Is loneliness really a choice? WARNING: Emo post.

For the most part of my life, I enjoy doing many things alone. I loved spending time alone, trekking alone, going for long runs alone, going for meals at restaurants alone, shopping alone, going for movies/concerts/plays alone, cooking alone and even going to church alone.

People who know me might think that it's normal coming from me since I am such an anti-social person. Guess what? It actually isn't.

I have always craved attention as a kid. I enjoyed the company of my close friends, classmates, and favorite relatives, etc. But for some reason, close friends and relatives alike either did not enjoyed my company as much as I did theirs, or they simply did not have that time for me.

So in time to come, I learnt to be independent and learned to live my life without them cos they are so often unavailable, and not surprisingly, we grew apart. To the point where, indifference sets in.

I must admit that the MANY setbacks in life as a kid helped me learn to become more dependent on myself. When I was younger, I wouldn't go to movies alone. I would wait for a friend to watch it with me, and sometimes, actually many a times, I would wait until the movie is over only to find that that particular friend have already watched it with their bfs or their gang of good friends.

I wouldn't go to concerts or plays alone cos everyone else around me had a partner. It was just too daunting to go alone. I would wait for MONTHS to go to a gym, cos I could not find a gym buddy who had time to go every week consistently. And I waited an entire year for my bro who said he wanted to take piano lessons. Of cos, a year later, he changed his mind.

After about almost 20 years of living life like that, I decided if I waited for company, I would probably missed out on many things in life. So I taught myself to live without company, I made friends with loneliness.

I started doing many things alone. I watched concerts, plays and movies alone. I ran alone, took part in marathons alone, completed a marathon alone, took up viola lessons alone, went back to church alone, went to gym alone and went on a weight loss regime alone.

But every now and then, I still feel incredibly lonely, especially at this age where all my friends are married and are starting families of their own.

In fact, the only people who would care about spending time with me are probably my parents. But how much time am I left with them? I'm actually afraid to think what life would be like when they are gone.

Honestly, I long for people who shares my love for music, friends I can bounce ideas off with, friends who can accompany me on the piano for a piece or something, who understand when music hits the soul deep. Or even friends who could understand the joys and pains of running, who kicks your butt every now and then when there is no motivation to run, etc.

But, I am my best friend and worst enemy. Sigh. What am I doing wrongly?