Feeling down and out lately...
Feeling super down and out now... I think I have hit the rock bottom. Really. (some of you would noe why and what happened) Sometimes, I wonder if its a good thing... at least you noe that things at this rate, couldn't POSSIBLY get any worse. However, on the other hand, if I was enjoying good fortune (well, so to speak) the next thing that can happen might be... getting striken by lightning... haha... Many people say I am negative... yes i am, VERY in fact. and I think im proud of it... haha... Negativity gives my sanity ULTIMATE protection from "unexpected" suprises, if you noe what I mean...
Really feeling very shitty now, and its at times like this, you realise that you have no friends. Friends have left me for reasons probably known only to God, you can call them and they dun pick up, or msg them and they don't reply at all... sigh... Read a quote from somewhere that says: a friend in need, is a friend to be avoided... Indeed... Drats! Feel like crying but dunno how to, feel like confiding in/talking to someone, but dunno who to... feel like sleeping... and even sleep is evading me!!! wtf... (I must be THAT replusive I guess...) Super low morale, and im really just trying my DARNEST to suffer in silence...
no money,
no life,
no time,
no guts,
no love,
no care,
no concern,
no friends,
no luck,
no opportunities,
no future...!!!
However, what i DO have are:
broken dreams,
broken back/spine,
broken heart,
broken mind,
broken trust, and
above all, a broken life, stuck in my dreams, helpless in my own situations...
Seriously, what more can a person ask for... Life can be sssooo shitty and honestly, im really very tired... SICK and tired of it all... LIFE.... Just what the heck is it all about???
Anyway, enough lamenting (always only suceed in making me feel worse off than before...) *faints*
Somebody in my company left... Although it didn't come as a suprise, it was kinda "weird" and to some extent... sad... Yes, no doubt i wished he would leave, but honestly, i had rather he left willingly, not this way... (if you noe what i mean...) I dunno if this marks the end of my misery in the hotel, i dunno what to feel oso, one thing for sure, i definately wasn't jumping for joy. Well, it was a choice or decision he made, and i guess he had to face the consequences of his actions. Looking back, I can't help asking myself what is it about him that was so repulsive to me? Yeah, sure he backstabbed me ALOT of times, but it didn't do that much harm (all thanks to the fact i have a boss who uses his brains)... Maybe, I just cannot get over the fact that someone I once trusted so much would betray my trust...
Nevertheless, It was still kinda sad when it happened... I suddenly forgot all the defences that i have built around me to guard against him... Somehow, I thought I felt sorry for him... After all, he WAS a good friend once upon a time, but I guess... I wanted to protect myself when I realised something was not right... Perhaps, I felt it was better not to trust a person too much... We can't let people know our weakness I guess, they will want to hurt you once they know... Indeed, I was (as usual) a poor judge of character, he had more "substance" that I thought...
*Sighs* Did things really have to turn out this way?? Well, I guess, everybody are respondible for the choices and actions we make, and he is no different... He just had to take full responsibility for his actions...
I suppose, his departure from the hotel would most probably bring ALOT of peace in the office... but it will definately not put an end to my misery of working here i guess... happy days for me in the hotel are OVER and long gone...*Sighs* Happy times and good things are perhaps, Never meant to be.
Anyways, I suddenly remembered an old english song,
Vincent - Don MacLean
Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul...
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land.
Now I understand
What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now.
Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.
Now I understand
What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they did not know how
-- Perhaps they'll listen now.
For they could not love you
But still, your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
-- But I could've told you, Vincent:
This world was never meant
For one as beautiful as you.
Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn, a bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
Now I think I know
What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they're not listening still
-- Perhaps they never will.
It's kinda heart-tugging, and thought-provoking. Somehow, I feel that the lyrics best describes the pain and agony that depressive people feel, how the people close to or around them don't seem to understand or simply too lazy/busy to care... Why is it, that it has to take death, a suicide act before it "jolts" them... to realise how much it actually means to them, how much they do care and love after all, only to realise... that its all too late, and all that is left... are painful memories and regrets...
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