Goodbye...

I remember when I was younger, I kinda used to dread CNY. That was because, my father's side, we have alot of relatives, my dad had 5 siblings (including him), and he was the second youngest, hence we had to visit quite alot of them on CNY.

That carried on for a few years, until my grandmother had stroke which left her a semi-vegetable till today. That made it one less destination for visitation on CNY.

I remember one particular year where one of my cousins got killed in a road crash. It was a horrific one, involving a SBS bus leaving my cousin nothing but a huge mangled mess of flesh and blood and shattered bones.

That year, we practically stayed at home during CNY as my cousin's home was our second destination for CNY visitation.

Every year during CNY, we would spend quite alot of time there as that was the meeting place for all my other uncles and aunties and cousins on CNY, so skipping that destination means totally not meeting any of our relatives.

This year, I am so not looking forward to CNY.

Just a few days ago, my aunty (my dead cousin's mum) had passed away from lung cancer. The fight against cancer is over. Although we are all very mentally prepared that she wasn't going to last long, the news of her demise still left an empty feeling in my heart.

And its goodbye forever. All that's left are vague memories of her.

I wouldn't say that I and her were very close. In fact, we are not, we used to only see each other on CNY, and maybe some other family occasions and thats about it. But still, it broke my heart to learn of her fears and how she suffers from cancer.

I was at her wake the other night and we sat at the same table with my uncle, her husband. I havent seen him in a long while, and he looked really tired and had lost alot of weight.

My parents were asking him if my other aunt (who stayed with them) was in time to see this aunt for the last time, and then my dad asked if she was with her at the moment she breathed her last.

Well, she did not, but my uncle, her husband did. He was recounting how he was calling out to her with hands on her neck, and how he "saw" her leave, her final moments. His eyes were red. I so want to cry.

We all sat there not saying anything, yet feeling and understanding each other's grief. Another cousin came, and joined us at the table. Nobody spoke much, people came to pay their last respects, to see her face for the last time.

Its amazing the way a death of a family member can touch all of us.

This year's CNY we are not going anywhere. Suddenly, my family doesn't seem that big anymore, I have lost yet another family member.

The most cruel thing in life is probably the cycle of life and death. You have no control over it, you cannot help but grief over it but life still goes on. It scares me to think that I'll probably have to go through a few more of such deaths of my loved ones till my turn comes.

Can somebody teach me how to find meaning in life when death has taken over? I used to console myself and others when a loved one leaves because of sickness, that he/she is feeling better, free from all the suffering at least.

But how do I convince myself this time knowing that my aunt wants so much to live to the extent that she is very willing to suffer? Sigh.

I just hope that at least she is feeling better wherever she is now. I can only take solace in the believe that maybe at least, she have my cousin to accompany her.

If I had known that the last time I bid you goodbye was going to be the last time I ever saw you alive, I would have took a longer look at you, I would have given you a hug, tho you may not be used to such gestures from me.