Today is the day of cremation. I know its a little morbid to be blogging about a funeral, but I'm just so consumed by sadness that I want to "blog it off" my chest.
I spent the past years hardening my heart and tried to make myself more stoic and composed but I must say, the death of a loved one still hits me hard. Very hard.
The story of my paternal grandmother's end days is sad. Really. I guess its what makes it even sadder to me. Close friends would know that my paternal grandmother have been an invalid for the past 14 years since she got stricken with stroke for a second time.
She was paralyzed on the right side of her body and she could not speak, recognize anyone nor remember who she was. She carried on like this for 14 years. 14 long years.
I remember when she was admitted to the hospital when she got stricken with stroke. The doctors told us to prepare for the worst, that she won't be able to make it and even if she does, she might only live up to 3 months.
So I prayed. I haven't exactly accepted Christ into my life at that time yet and was a free thinker, so I told God that if my grandma could make it through this time, I would give the rest of my life to him in return. I was still young and naive then and didn't know any better to bargain with God.
But anyway. She was out of danger and I kept my promise to God. But I didn't know the significance of accepting Christ into my life until only recently. I digress.
She remained an invalid after her stroke ordeal and we hoped that one day she would recover. There were better times when she could speak a word or two and when she would smile when we asked her if she remember or recognize who we were each time we visited her.
And then there will be times where she would totally have no reaction when we speak to her at all. As the years go by, we kinda gave up hope that she would get well and be able to return home. The old folks home became her permanent home.
All her friends and acquaintances subsequently forgot about her, and we started to grew weary as old age and the complications like sicknesses caught up with her children. Our visits become lesser as it became harder for us to bear the fact that we were visiting a loved one who could not remember or recognize us.
And then her second daughter passed away from lung cancer less than half a year ago before her. When we broke the news to her, she seem to have teared a little and yet seem to be oblivious to it. But by then, I heard from my dad that it seems that her time is also almost up as she seem to be fading away slowly.
Well, she passed away suddenly from a pneumonia attack last Saturday night. And because she stayed alone in the old folk's home, none of her relatives were around went she left, which was really very sad.
Her funeral was quiet as compared to my maternal grandmother's. There were not many people here to visit her except for the usual group who were family. I guess maybe it's because she have been an invalid for too long that everyone have forgotten her.
She didn't have that many flower wreaths either. But at least she had a couple of them. I seriously feel very sad for her.
Cremation was scheduled for this morning. I must say, this is the first cremation service I attended since I started being able to comprehend things. My maternal grandmother was buried and when my paternal grandfather passed away, I was too young to understand anything yet.
For the first time in many days during the funeral, when I took a last and final look at her before they close her coffin, I wept, and couldn't stop crying after that.
When we were at Mandai, I saw her name on the "billboard" listing for the cremation services that is to take place that day and the time. It broke my heart and I started crying all over again.
I touched her coffin for one last time before they took it up for cremation. They placed her photo on top of her coffin so that we could see her from above in the viewing hall as her coffin is being pushed slowly towards the furnace.
That few moments was very heart wrenching. My relatives around me were crying out after her telling her to go in peace now and not to be afraid as my grandfather is waiting for her.
God. Its. Killing. Me.
We return to my uncle's place for the condolence meal and some of my relatives went back to pick up her ashes later. Then we had a problem. Apparently, my grandma have long purchased a "column" for herself to place her remains and she passed this receipt to my aunt.
My aunt lost this receipt and the temple could not find her records. They spent several hours looking for her "column" which would have placed her name and gotten ready when she purchased it.
But they could not find it.
It the end, my relatives bought another place for her, and due to the delay in finding the column earlier on, they did not have time to get an urn to place her ashes within. Cos getting an urn would require several paper work and the temple administration's office hours was already over by then.
Now, my relatives would have to go back again tomorrow morning to get that settled for her.
It really saddens me that her end days have not been smooth and even after death, things weren't going smoothly for her either.
Well anyway, I hope this marks the end of her 14 year suffering and she can finally rest in peace now.
I pray that God would bless her soul and have mercy on her.
I spent the past years hardening my heart and tried to make myself more stoic and composed but I must say, the death of a loved one still hits me hard. Very hard.
The story of my paternal grandmother's end days is sad. Really. I guess its what makes it even sadder to me. Close friends would know that my paternal grandmother have been an invalid for the past 14 years since she got stricken with stroke for a second time.
She was paralyzed on the right side of her body and she could not speak, recognize anyone nor remember who she was. She carried on like this for 14 years. 14 long years.
I remember when she was admitted to the hospital when she got stricken with stroke. The doctors told us to prepare for the worst, that she won't be able to make it and even if she does, she might only live up to 3 months.
So I prayed. I haven't exactly accepted Christ into my life at that time yet and was a free thinker, so I told God that if my grandma could make it through this time, I would give the rest of my life to him in return. I was still young and naive then and didn't know any better to bargain with God.
But anyway. She was out of danger and I kept my promise to God. But I didn't know the significance of accepting Christ into my life until only recently. I digress.
She remained an invalid after her stroke ordeal and we hoped that one day she would recover. There were better times when she could speak a word or two and when she would smile when we asked her if she remember or recognize who we were each time we visited her.
And then there will be times where she would totally have no reaction when we speak to her at all. As the years go by, we kinda gave up hope that she would get well and be able to return home. The old folks home became her permanent home.
All her friends and acquaintances subsequently forgot about her, and we started to grew weary as old age and the complications like sicknesses caught up with her children. Our visits become lesser as it became harder for us to bear the fact that we were visiting a loved one who could not remember or recognize us.
And then her second daughter passed away from lung cancer less than half a year ago before her. When we broke the news to her, she seem to have teared a little and yet seem to be oblivious to it. But by then, I heard from my dad that it seems that her time is also almost up as she seem to be fading away slowly.
Well, she passed away suddenly from a pneumonia attack last Saturday night. And because she stayed alone in the old folk's home, none of her relatives were around went she left, which was really very sad.
Her funeral was quiet as compared to my maternal grandmother's. There were not many people here to visit her except for the usual group who were family. I guess maybe it's because she have been an invalid for too long that everyone have forgotten her.
She didn't have that many flower wreaths either. But at least she had a couple of them. I seriously feel very sad for her.
Cremation was scheduled for this morning. I must say, this is the first cremation service I attended since I started being able to comprehend things. My maternal grandmother was buried and when my paternal grandfather passed away, I was too young to understand anything yet.
For the first time in many days during the funeral, when I took a last and final look at her before they close her coffin, I wept, and couldn't stop crying after that.
When we were at Mandai, I saw her name on the "billboard" listing for the cremation services that is to take place that day and the time. It broke my heart and I started crying all over again.
I touched her coffin for one last time before they took it up for cremation. They placed her photo on top of her coffin so that we could see her from above in the viewing hall as her coffin is being pushed slowly towards the furnace.
That few moments was very heart wrenching. My relatives around me were crying out after her telling her to go in peace now and not to be afraid as my grandfather is waiting for her.
God. Its. Killing. Me.
We return to my uncle's place for the condolence meal and some of my relatives went back to pick up her ashes later. Then we had a problem. Apparently, my grandma have long purchased a "column" for herself to place her remains and she passed this receipt to my aunt.
My aunt lost this receipt and the temple could not find her records. They spent several hours looking for her "column" which would have placed her name and gotten ready when she purchased it.
But they could not find it.
It the end, my relatives bought another place for her, and due to the delay in finding the column earlier on, they did not have time to get an urn to place her ashes within. Cos getting an urn would require several paper work and the temple administration's office hours was already over by then.
Now, my relatives would have to go back again tomorrow morning to get that settled for her.
It really saddens me that her end days have not been smooth and even after death, things weren't going smoothly for her either.
Well anyway, I hope this marks the end of her 14 year suffering and she can finally rest in peace now.
I pray that God would bless her soul and have mercy on her.
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