I really have not been updating in ages. I've been so busy of late that hardly anything makes sense to me when I finally knock off from work.
Yes, I'm feeling very burnt out and disgusted about my job and everything else related to it. I go home each day feeling dazed, tired emotionally and mentally. I've been praying alot about my job lately; prayer is the only thing that gives me courage to face
Enough about my work already.
Anyways. I'm on leave tomorrow and I'm going to drown my handphone.
I'm getting baptized tomorrow!! Finally after 14 years of a love hate relationship with God. I am very excited about it and I can't wait!!
I haven't told anyone about this before, but well, in the light of my baptism tomorrow, I'm going to share my testimony here.
I have a rather long history with God. As I've mentioned earlier, I had a love hate relationship with him for 14 long years.
I came from a Buddhist family, where my family members were pretty staunch in their religion. But by the grace of God, they placed me and my brother in a methodist school, so I was exposed to the gospel since I was seven, you could say that I grew up in a Christian environment.
At a tender age of 7, being the young and naive little girl that I was, I had no idea what Christianity was all about even tho our teachers spent quite a substantial amount of time teaching, sharing and preaching about the gospel.
I was also very rebellious at that time, "proud" to be "different" cos all my other friends came from Christian families. I didn't really understand the word but I found it strange that I kinda enjoyed chapel services whereas all my other classmates dread it.
I also found it strange that I enjoyed the message that our pastor would bring to us each week, but although I enjoyed chapel services, I would say it didn't touch my heart.
But all of these didn't bother me much so I left things that way for a long time, but I kept listening with an open mind.
Until that year when I was 13, and my paternal grandmother had a stroke which left her in a critical condition then. The doctors told us she would not make it through the night.
Not knowing who to pray to since there were so many various Gods in the Buddhist religion, I decided to try the God that they taught me at school. So I prayed according to the way I was taught at school and asked God to let her live, and I will give him the rest of my life in return.
Yes, I was naive and did not know any better than to bargain with God, and yes, I didn't really mean it when I made that promise to God, I kinda only half expecting him to answer or even hear my prayer, and besides, I didn't think God will be interested in my puny little worthless life.
Well, she got well but remained an invalid for the next 14 years. Nevertheless, I kept my promise to God, but I never fully understood the significance of it until recently.
Some of my closer friends would probably have realized that I was pretty much a depressed and pessimistic person. In fact, for as long as I could remember, I was depressed for the bulk of my life. I have very high expectations of others and myself and was constantly disappointed.
I would say, I pretty much couldn't take failures either. I would often hate myself and God when things go wrong or don't go my way, I think I mistook God for a wishing tree. Well, things spiraled out of control when my maternal grandmother passed away. I stopped believing that God loves me.
I started believing that he hates me, which was why life is so difficult for me.
I could recall an incident where out of spite, I told my best friend (angrily) that I hated God and tho I prayed to him every night still, I never meant a single thing I said to him and that I saw him as an insurance policy (for after life) which you cannot see the benefits when you are alive, but only when you die (which technically speaking, you cannot see the benefits either cos you are already dead).
I can't really remember what my friend's answer to my outburst was, but what I did know was that, even before I finished my sentence, I felt a deep dread in my heart, my heart hurts when I said that, and at that moment, I knew that I didn't mean a single word that I had just said less than a minute ago.
The subsequent weeks after my outburst was miserable. I felt empty and estranged from God, I wanted to pray so badly but I felt I couldn't because I had promised never to pray again. It took me nearly a month later before I started praying again, and the cycle went on and on for 14 years I couldn't keep my mind off God each time, or maybe I should say, God never gave up on me.
Well, I slipped in and out of depression, until several months back, when I finally managed a job change which I initially thought was my big break for my career.
But I was wrong, the company had nothing for me to do and I literally spend 9 hours a day surfing the net and taking extended toilet breaks. At this time, my uni classmate came as a "wake up" call for me to rebuild my relationship with God.
I complained to her about the job and she asked me if I prayed about it. So I told her about the state of my relationship with God.
I'm ashamed to say that I've n ever really committed myself to going to a church all these years, apart from the chapel services that my secondary school held then. I didn't think that attending church was important as I thought it’s the same as chapel services in school.
Subsequently, I graduated and I lost touch with any form of worship.
Naturally I was scared, and I later tried to "stage" an escape by feigning an illness, which fell through of course, I went in the end cos she was so gentle in her approach and I could feel God working through her very strongly.
Well, I would say that although I did not feel comfortable with their way of worship as they sang and prayed occasionally in a language that I did not understand, I was very touched by their faith and I could somehow feel loved, and I started crying.
The week following that was magical, I "re-accepted" Christ into my life and I felt immense joy everyday. I felt like a silly little gal recently head over heels in love.
It was then I fully understood why all the hymns that we sang in school emphasized on happiness and joy in our lord.
The feeling of pure joy and love is what I have been seeking for all my life and I felt so silly to have spent all those wasted years in pursuit of things I wanted in life depending on myself and burning myself out when leaving things to God was so much easier.
I felt a huge load taken from my shoulders.
I finally understood why I was often told that Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with God. This relationship that I have with him is so personal, so real and it completes me so. In the past, I never believed in love, but now, I do.
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