It's Christmas!!!

First and foremost, Merry Christmas!! Christmas is my favourite, had always been since young, and its the most wonderful time of the year... well, to me at least. I believe you can find no other time of the year that is filled with so much love and joy and laughter. (wouldn't it be perfect if we had a white christmas?? owww...) For the FIRST fucking time in my life, I actually have a new year resolution!! I mean, I've had many, but they were all lame ones, and ones that I most certainly didnt mean it. (I randomly came up with a few cos I was EXPECTED to cite a couple when being asked. Crap. %$%*^&)!!) I guess people could tell too, cos every year they asked, and every year my new year resolution is THE SAME. Ok, my new year resolution for 2006 is to fucking go learn photoshop, master it and be a bloody expert at it. Part of the reason for this sudden urge to go learn that software was due to the fact that I feel so freaking helpless not knowing how to use it well, and nobody in my project group knows how to use it. The main reason to learn it is also because I believe that it will be a very useful and powerful tool that will most definately help me in time to come. Any experts out there who could drop me a tip or two?

Anyways, I didn't have anywhere to go on Christmas, (part of the reason was due to the fact that I seriously hate the human crowd, having to squeeze with them and have them accidentally step on your foot and what not. I still think that nothing beats staying at home, snuggling up to your loved one or staying in bed and rot all day.) so I stayed at home. I was all alone at home on Christmas, my bro was out to work, and so were my parents. At times like these, guess what? My mind started to wander. Again. I started to question "EXISTENTIALISM" (not quite sure if such a word exists in the dictionary. It basically means the state of questioning oneself why do we exist, do God exist, and such). Well, most of my friends would know what this usually means and leads to. But no. This didn't lead to something or anything suicidal. (haha)

Have you ever wondered at times why do certain things happen the way that they do? Or if God really did exist, and he so loved the world, why then did he allow so much sadness and tragedy to happen to the people he loves? I often ask myself why God allowed me to suffer so much, ssoo much if he loves me, and questions along those lines. I always, ALWAYS believed in retribution, and that you most definately reap what you sow, well, maybe not so much for the good things, but DEFINATELY the bad ones, so BE CAREFUL!! Well, I have had been mulling over this thought or rather, question for quite sometime now, and haven't quite been able to get it out of my head. I mean, people have told me to not let it bother me too much as God with his infinite wisdom works in ways that we humans can never fathom. True. I guess my "mindless inquisitiveness", is perhaps due to the fact that I always lived by the belief that everything happen for a reason and that every why has a wherefore. Not very smart heh? =( Ok, so much for that. I guess the more mind boggling ones are those in instances where tragedies or accidents befall, e.g. Tsunami victims, TRAGIC accidents victims, etc. Basically those who left in a very bad state, without a complete corpse and such. Does it make you wonder what has he or she done to deserve such an end?

I don't know about you, but I have gone through a couple of immature deaths in my 23 years of life, and more than half of them had tragic ends. I don't know them on a very personal level, but on the large part, the bulk of them were nice people. The eulogies during the funerals all painted a very beautiful picture of the deceased (as in most eulogies), so that the ones left behind remember him or her as they were yesterday. Again, that makes me wonder, why then did God let him or her leave in such a way? It took me a pretty long time to had that "figured out", in my own way of course. I don't know if that's really the case, just that it helps ease my mind. (Well, so to speak) All the good deeds that you do on earth may not always be recognized by the people around you, but they are definitely noted by God, and are accumulated as riches in heaven (quote the bible). I guess its the same in this case, how you lived your life does not determines or affect how you are going to die, if you have lived a good person for HIM (Christ) for the large part (truly from the bottom of your heart) your rewards will come after you die, i.e. when you go to heaven. That explains the delayed gratification concept, IF my presumption is correct, that is.

Ah well. Generally, life sucks BIG time, and will definately continue to anyway. As if finding out why things happen the way they do is going to change anything.

*slaps myself* Sometimes, I'm amazed at how lame I can be. (haha) I should stop being so negative and torture my poor mind with my weird antics and morbid logics. (not that you are ever going to get an answer the more you think about it anyway)

I quote a friend of mine, "I always believe that when a person is about to die, on their deathbed, they will suddenly realise how they have lived a fool, and wasted their entire life doing NOTHING."

Hmm... I most definately don't want that to happen to me, yeah, life's short, (that's universal knowledge) better do something about it. Ah well, will worry about it later, as for nows, tired, shall go sleep first and buy my photoshop guide book later. *chuckles*


P/s: With all due respect to the deceased and the ones they left behind. Im just citing on a very general level.