Memoir of a heart-broken friend...

"This Christmas is quite eventful, I must say...

Just a week before christmas, I lost a friend... Quite honestly, I'm not even sure if he was a "friend" now come to think of it... I dunno what EXACTLY happened, however, it didn't really come as a surprise, I actually saw it coming.

Well, I got to know this particular "friend" of mine, sometime mid last year (some of you may remember hearing something about this, and some might even know WHO exactly he is...). I wouldn't say we hit off very well right from the begining, actually, we only started our FIRST decent, complete conversation about 3 months after knowing of each other's existence.

Initially, we had some simple and friendly forwarded emails, and lame weather and general gossip topics. We started chatting on MSN thereafter and it was during these chats on MSN that the friendship started to foster (or at least, on my side, I thought there WAS a friendship). I can't remember exactly when, but not long after, we started confiding in each other. That was the first time I got to know him better and in depth, and vice versa.

Apparently, things in his life weren't exactly going all that smooth, and as such, it has kinda taken its toll on him. Honestly, it upset me to see him in low spirits, so I tried to cheer him up (in my own way). I made him breakfasts, herbal tea, honey, helped him get lozenges when he needed them, etc. I wasn't exactly that successful in my cheerleading stunts, and that somehow, got me a little frustrated.

Maybe I forgot that people require time to heal and nurse wounds, maybe I forgot that each person knows just exactly what they are doing, and will be fine in their own time. I don't really know why his moods and temperament affects me so much, but I guess, maybe its like what another friend of mine said, that its because I care, thats why, not that I take EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING so seriously anyway.

In case you didn't already know, friendships are fucking important to me, I do not make real friends easily, but once I do, I do not drop them easily too. I try to protect and be there for my friends, even though I know sometimes, that he or she isnt worth it. I know this sounds silly and retarted to a certain extent, but such are my values in life...

To be honest, this "friend" of mine, did once upon a time treat me like a "friend". Or at least, I felt he was. He was sensitive, and caring too (when he wants to), he sent me to the doctor's when I was sick, bought me porridge, gave me his medicine, etc.

Thinking back, it was kinda weird though, we didn't exactly hang out alot, we didnt talk alot on the phone, we MAINLY kept in touch through MSN and LOTS and LOTS of smses. (sounds more like a internet friendship heh?)

Well anyway, we used to msg each other at least three times a day, over really bo liao stuff, amidst the usual good morning and good nite greetings. He HAD the habit of replying to almost every single forwarded smses I sent, and I thought, "what a thoughtful fella". I wouldn't say we or at least I, had expected anything out of it, it was just... let's just say, we kept a look out for each other. Period. That carried on until almost a year (I think).

Until he had another "hiccup" in life (well, so to speak). I never really knew what exactly happened even up till now, he refused to talk about it, and he kinda cooped himself up. Its also around this time where I happened to find out something about him that he hadn't told me all this while I knew him. And the feeling was shitty. Really. It's like getting betrayed by someone you never thought would.

Well, I tried asking him, but his answers were sloppy, I got impatient and fed up, and I blasted him. It was during this time, where things started to go wrong. I mean, really wrong, and perhaps, marked the doom of our "friendship" I sent him a pretty long email with the questions that have been bugging me, BUT he didn't reply.

When he sent me a forwarded msg a few days later, I passed some scarastic remarks, and made him cry. (or so he claimed) Actually, I really really didn't mean to be scarastic, I just passed my infamous remark, "The world is round, what goes around comes around, and there is such a thing as retribution" I usually use this statement whenever I feel that there is no point, and I do not want to engage in a argument with someone, hoping, or rather, believing that the person would one day know exactly how I feel.

Anyway. That statement killed the "friendship" He never quite forgave me for that I think. And according to him, that statement scared him enough to make him decide to take our "friendship" lightly. Why?? I also dunno. (Its quite lame actually in my opinion)

Well, one thing lead to another, and he "retracted" his care, and concerns for me as a friend, and suddenly decided that my emails, and smses SCARE him, as if I treated him like my bf... what the.......???!!! (SUPER DELAYED reaction or what?? SCARED only after a YEAR??!!) MIRACULOUSLY, the "friendship" survived that, not for long though, till it was my turn to be in REALLY low sprirts. I msged him, and guess what??? He didn't reply.

This cycle went on and off for another couple of months or so, each time I was down, he wouldn't reply, and everytime, I blast him, he would say he was BUSY (SUDDENLY became very BUSY) and then PATRONIZINGLY asked me, "What happened this time?" WTF. Or better still, tell me that it's not that he doesnt care, but he can't cos he is too preoccupied with his problems to. (forget about friendship, relationship and kinship then, life is and will be wrought with all kinds of problems throughout, like it or not, and since that's the case, that means you will NEVER be available to care??!!)

I vaguely remember something he told me amidst our exchange of emails: "Friendship should be taken lightly" Well, yeah, it should, DEPENDING on who the other party is. @#^*$(*^!!! Well, it became apparent that even though you are nice to someone, they may not neccessary APPRECIATE or let alone would do like wise for you. Honestly, I was really really tired. Looking back, I know why now. Its really IMPOSSIBLE and senseless to try sustain a "friendship" that was one-sided all along. A pity I never realised it then.

The last straw came when I sent him a forwarded sms, and knowing him, (who used to have the habit of replying almost every forwarded sms LAST TIME) I thought he would reply. He didn't. But its ok. I sent a casual sms later to check if he was ok, again, he didn't reply. Well, it was late, he's probably asleep, so I thought he would reply the next day. But he didn't. Nevermind.

I sent him another sms to check if he received my msg, again he didn't reply. Now, that got me worried, wondering if something happened to him. FINALLY when I sent him another in the evening, he replied. To sum it up, he told me not to "freak out" in future, AS IF HE WAS MY BF, and it SCARES him!! Seems like I was just being retarted all along. He must be laughing at me man. Enough said. That's it.

It hurts. Badly. Makes me wonder all over again what have I done to deserve this. Seriously. I guess, I really should just heck it. I doubt things would ever change anyway, I have talked to him about it before, and he gave me answers like he dunno how to preceive friendship well, he had shortchanged many of his other friends too, and along those lines. (oh yeah? again, its ONLY NOW right? last time it was a total different story.)

It still makes me cry everytime I think back. I still don't understand up till this day WHY our "friendship" SCARES him only NOW and not 6 mths or 8 mths, into the friendship, and its kinda amusing that he actually thinks I fell for him and is hence scared. Although that's hardly the case, what's there to be scared of anyway? Is it THAT SCARY?? He ain't the first actually, are ALL GUYS like that?? Or do I simply have the "oh, I'm-so-desperrraaatttee" look?? (if there was even a look for being desperate that is.) A good thing I do not have that many guy friends, else I would have lost all my friends.

Nothing else to say. Just.... Heartbroken.. What a Christmas."