Confessions of a desperate bitch.

At the age of 23, I am embarrassed proud to admit that I'm still single. Seriously, I am or rather, have been wondering if there's anything wrong with me. My last relationship was like... 7 gazallion years ago.

Its not exactly that I spent that 7 years trying to forget that fella, such that I don't know what or rather who Im missing out on. In fact, (another shocking relavation) there wasn't a SINGLE FELLA who was interested in me (romantically) during that 7 years, unless I was way too blind to realise it. All that I got was a couple of bastards who (dunno for what fuck) put in quite alot of efforts to lead me on. Crap.

I was just telling my best friend (JOKINGLY) the other day about having high sex drives and what it leads or has led to, and basically every other sentence thereafter, I punctuated it with something sexual, dirty or naughty. She told me that its time to get a bf, lest I end up raping people. Now, that got me thinking loads, I mean, the time to get a bf part, not that raping people part.

Its funny how she said that in a very simple and casual tone, and yet, its such a difficult and even aurdous task. (to me at least) I often see in movies how people get hitched, and break up, and then move on, like its a routine activity in life, but why does it seem as difficult and rare as achieving enlightment to me??? *wonders out loud*

The fact that as much as 80 - 90% of my friends are either hitched, or MARRIED doesn't help apparently. Just as I was trying to get used to the idea of people getting married at my age, a couple of them are actually approaching parenthood. I really don't know how to interpret that. Am I getting old or WHAT?

Many of my friends told me that perhaps I should just be patient, and that my time would come too (are they referring to "my time" as in my time to die??), and that I haven't met the right one and what fuck what fuck. Seriously, the guys that I have known the recent years, are making me wonder that perhaps I should just fucking consider being a lesbian instead.

I am not a very choosy person, and I don't have high demands. In fact, I've taken alot more shit from people or rather guys, that I've ever imagined I could take, such that its begining to make me feel really cautious whenever it comes to guys.

The last bastard I encountered was a SEEMINGLY nice and not bad looking fella, BUT apparently, has SERIOUS attitude problems. Well, he REALLY wasn't anything more than a casual friend, but somehow, the whole episode made me feel that perhaps, it would have been sssooo much better if I didn't bother get to know him better. At least I can preserve the pleasant first impressions I had.

So much for the little digression on bastardous fellas. Anyways, back to wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I used to be anxious and yet ACT nonchalent about this issue all this while, cos I really and maybe retartedly believe all that crap my friends inject into my hopeless skull that "My time will surely come", so there's no need to think about it, it will come when you least expected it.

Well, I say FUCK IT. Enough of thinking about it liao. This is really getting ridiculous. I have had friends who were actually more anxious than I am, going around wanting to intro their guy friends to me... what the...

I dunno what others see or feel about the whole idea of blind dates. To me, its a no-no. Its like admitting to the whole god-damned world that yes, indeed, I mei ren yao!! So?? cannot is it? Man... it takes ALOT of courage for me to ever be able to pull something like that.

I think I've turned down quite a few of those lame blind dates my friends try to set me up with, and then they tell me, "you are not getting any younger liao, shouldn't you at least be doing something about it??" Not very encouraging I must say...

Perhaps the MAIN reason why I simply REFUSE to do such things is because I DO NOT want to be branded as D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E. I guess part of this thinking stems from the fact that I believe that love, is not meant for everyone, and I belong to that category. Maybe, it's just that I don't have this kind of ming, so no point dreaming, or drooling over it, expectations and hopes only brings EARNED DISAPPOINTMENT.

Another reason why I refuse to go on blind dates is because I find it pretty lame. Seriously, what have two, maybe more people who hardly or rather don't know each other and probably have nothing in common got to talk about??

You can't tell him or her slightly more personal stuff like bitching about this artise or your colleagues, so you are left with only the not personal, general and universal stuff (which usually also means boring) like...the weather?? Singapore's weather is pretty much sunny, and ocassionally wet, nothing drastic worth mentioning anyway. How about the price of fish? Or nuclear war?

Seriously. I once tried talking to a guy friend of my good friend not too long ago. As expected, she kinda set me up on that too. He was a seemingly nice chap, and I seriously didn't mind casual chatting with him online, MSN and friendster and emails, etc.

Then I thought my friend was right. Don't have to think about anything else. Just be friends, acquaintences first, then go out a few times before you decide if you wanna take his calls in future. One problem tho. Apparently, that guy wasn't thinking along the same line. He was very anxious and rather pushy.

After the online conversation with him, he msged me day in day out stuff like he's going off to work liao, he just knocked off liao, and stuff about willing to scarifice all his good dreams such that I won't have any bad dreams... Er...???

Is this your idea of an acquaintence? Hello, I haven't even seen you in person, and we had only a couple of online conversations, not even on the phone. How are you able to tell if I am a sweet and unique gal?? Pretty obvious, he started off with that mindset that I'm a potential candidate as a GF, and not just friends.

Needless to say, he gave up after a few more tries, and totally removed me from his friendster list. Classic example. Guys... Probably the most practical beings around. 180 degrees turn when they know they are not going to get what they want.

From then on, I told myself no more such nonsense. This obviously ain't going to work, at least not when people go with the mindset that they are looking for a GF or BF, because more often than not, they end up rushing things, and such things cannot be rushed, it should come naturally.

Damn, I feel like a hypocrite. I was just advising a gal friend of mine to accept a date with some mutual guy friend of hers, so that she won't just be stucked with one same bastard (yawnz, whats new?) while here I am blogging about how I believe how lame it is.

*slaps myself* No, I SHALL NOT feel this way. Different people behave differently and have different opinions about this issue at least, and since I know she is not so EXTREMIST as I am... so why not? I know that there are quite alot of people out there who feel that there's no harm in making more friends, and what not, but Im just NOT that kind of person.

I DON'T feel comfortable talking to people I hardly know, and I just DON'T believe in the art of wayang (if you know what I mean). Don't like means don't like. I see no point and no need to PRETEND that I'm oh-so-friendly, and your typical sunshine gal next door. I'm sorry, but I'm NOT.

Yeah... That's me. With an attitude problem as many may say. I think I can hear people saying, "here, the "mystery" has been unveiled. Now you know what's wrong with you. Huo gai mei ren yao.

Ok, enough. I think I've said too much liao, more than I should. Sigh... So much for not wanting to appear desperate.

P/s: Dear friends, please DO NOT intro any of your guy friends to me ok, I didn't write this to solicit attention and neither is this a desperate call for help. (hahaha) But since I'm already blogging about this, already puts me in a desperate light. Oh well... who cares.