My life on a timeline

Once upon a time, I yearned to be unfeeling. Now when I think Im finally achieveing it, I wonder if its what I really wanted after all...

As most of you probably already knew, I kinda grew up with a "not-so-smooth" childhood. Right from the start, my dad was strict. Very indeed. Every single wrongs, be it big or small, he would whack, BIG time, and then after that, bruises, and blood all over.

Each time was a life-threatening experience for me and my brother, cos my father also had a very bad temper which he had problems controlling. I soon learned that crying was out of the question, (the hard way of course) it would only anger him more, and hence, more beatings again.

I suppose if it wasn't for my mum who would stop him everytime it gets bad, I'll probably never made it to see the light of day again.

As a result, I never really enjoyed childhood. It was pretty much like walking thru a landmine. Every single thing I did, every single step I took, I was sssooo afraid that it was wrong in my father's eyes, and hence, the beatings would come again.

Well, this carried on all the way till I was in secondary school. I would still be very afraid of my dad, but I have kinda mastered the art of crying lesser whenever I was beaten, and it works, cos the beatings came lesser (or so I thought).

In secondary school, my dad still yelled and got angry at me of course, but he stop hitting me and my brother. By then, I already had the idea that being devoid of feelings is the desired state I yearn to be in.

It was quite silly I guess, but somehow, at that time, part of me thought it was cool to be an unfeeling person, with no tears, no laughter, no anger. Of course I meant tears, laughter and anger that came straight from the heart, and not the superficial ones.

As I grew older, I learnt the taste of disappointment, (not that I have never been disappointed all my life, on the contuary, disappointment was one of my best friends) its utter disappoinment, a.ka. earned disappointment, which usually happens when you hope for something.

Not to mention that by that time, I have already had "friends" who betrayed me, left me high and dry and what not. Maybe one would feel that we should all forgive and forget, and that we were all just kids then, and why should we get upset or angry over what a kid has said or done?

Seriously, I beg to differ. Many do not realise that as much as kids need to be guided properly, they need emotional assurance too. And even as adults, if a person or something fails you once too many times, would you not have resevations about giving it another shot?

And that's where my negativity stems from. And so, I put myself to it, to learning how to be more detached and heck everything that happens. One of my friends actually mentioned that I am emotionally unstable. Am I?? Doesn't matter, by then I already had sworn to be a robot. Devoid of feelings. And I would kill my heart if that's what it takes.

Actually, Im not sure if one can actually learn to be detached and stoic, or is it something that came naturally due to circumstances. Well anyways, to cut the long story short. I kinda achieved what I set myself out to do. That is, to be devoid of feelings, to be detached.

I remember that the person who spotted this was one of my poly language lecturers. She had a keen eye, and when she got the chance to talk to me in person, she actually told me that when she first saw me as I stepped into her class, I came across as one who is cold, so cold.

She asked me if Im really like that on the inside, or am I just like that on the outside. Guess what? I gave her my coldest look, and told her yes, I am like that on the inside. I seriously didn't mean to be a bitch, but I really was like that.

I told her that her guess was right that indeed, I am cold, jaded and somewhat detached BECAUSE the things that have happened in my life so far has snuffed out any decent feelings/expectations/hopes I had for the future and life itself.

Apparently, I wasn't joking at that time. I meant every single word I said, and well, according to my lecturer, my negative thoughts is begining to show on my face, and the way I carried myself. She told me to give it some thought, well, I was afterall, only 19 then, and to be this jaded, with my whole life ahead of me, didn't sound very healthy indeed.

I've always wanted to come across as a aloof person. And when I was younger, I tried very hard (too hard maybe) to be a cool and detached person, devoid of feelings. After some time, along the way, I was no longer that "crazy" about the aloof idea.

I seriously don't know if I have actually given up the whole idea altogether, or did it become so much a part of me that I have become so accustomed to it. I just stopped being so deliberate about it i guess.

Then came my meeting with my lecturer. I knew I finally achieved what I thought I wanted so much, but strange enough, I wasn't thrilled, not in the least bit. And then I started wondering if this is what I really wanted. Isn't it ironic?

Can you imagine how it feels to be laughing, but not feeling happy? Can you imagine the tiredness you feel inside when you laugh, and at that moment, you know that you laugh not because you are happy, or because it so amuses you, but rather, because you feel that you are EXPECTED to laugh?

Drats. It was seriously more than what I had expected or ever asked for. Is it better this way? Do you like me better as a fucking stoic person or a fucking emotional person?