Why is it so difficult to say "I love you"?

Why do we all have to die? This thought has been bugging me for quite some time now. Sure, I know that its inevitable and that all has to die, our time will come and all, but to say that Im totally not afraid to die, is well, a BIG fat lie.

I guess its not that I love to live so much that I cannot bear to think of it when it all ends that scares me, but rather, the thought that you dunno what happens after death is scary.

Its like all that you ever know now, or were taught to you before, totally does not apply in after life. Now, how does that sound like to you? Its just like going to a totally new working environment that you have NEVER experienced before and have totally no idea what to do, only that death is far far worse (so to speak).

I was traveling on the MRT with my bro and my dad sitting beside me yesterday when I trailed off to a half sleepy mode, and the thought of growing old and dying came to me again.

Earlier on, my dad was talking about in the later years, he was thinking about joining some club membership so he could exercise and spend his time over there after work or something. And then it occurred to me AGAIN. My dad is indeed getting in on years, and one fine day, Im going to be without him.

Actually, I've thought about this from time to time. I used to think that I did not love my dad. Sure, I care for him, and I know I would surely miss him like crazy if he left me, but I often thought that this isn't love.

I guess it stems from my upbringing. Since young, my dad had been very strict. Every little thing we did wrong, he would punish us, HEAVILY. As a result, I kinda grew up fearing my dad. In fact, my brother and I are afraid of him more than my mum.

Well, I know its good for me, listening to the stories of how children these days are getting more unbecoming, Im kinda glad that my dad was strict, else, I probably would have become hard to control and end up nowhere.

Anyways. A little digression, back to growing old and dying.

Yes, as I was saying, I often wonder if I loved my dad. I guess my family does not really have the habit of expressing it out openly, but more thru actions, and sometimes even thru “reverse psychology” and so, I kinda find it weird if I were to tell him that I loved him straight in the face.

Many years back when my grandmother passed on, during the final few hours, I was battling inside me to tell her that I loved her. But I just couldn’t. In the end, as u guessed it, I didn’t tell her in the end, and somehow, I regret it now.

My best friend often remind me to do whatever I need to do now, lest its too late. I know I have to show more care and concern for my family, because they won't be around forever, and yeah, its always too late when you regret. But how do I start?

Sigh, I feel really weird telling my family I loved them, and honestly, I really dread to think what is going to happen when my dad or my parents die. Will I end up like when my grands died, and yet, unable to find the courage to admit that I loved her?

EVERY single detail that happened in my life, I remember them well, be it good or bad. (so when I tell you I forget certian things, I was actually LYING.) I do know that I will miss every single thing about my family if one day I lose them.

Isn't it ironic? I know I love my family, and yet, I hate to admit it. (its like admitting it is somewhat shameful) I wonder if it will be just as difficult to tell my significant other that I loved him next time. *wonders out loud*

Do any of you actually have the same problem as me? Why is it so difficult to tell your family, who have been there for you for better or worse, been with you almost every step of the way, that you love or care for them? On the other hand, why is it seemingly easier to tell people who are not related to you by blood that you love or even care for them?

Are we taking the more important people in our lives for granted? Or did we simply fail to realise who is more important? At the end of the day, I guess we just EXPECT our familes to KNOW that we love or care for them.

Well, I believe that they too, need to know that we love them, just as much as anyone else. Sure they will be more patient and ever forgiving than any of our friends or even bfs or gfs, but they also don't have forever to wait for you to realise that.

"I love you" shouldn't be that difficult or even shameful to say or admit, IF you really mean it.