Addiction

I'm picking up my reading habits again lately. I do actually have a habit of reading, and I read fervently at one point of time, stop for awhile, and then start again and the cycle recycles.

I ALWAYS buy my books, and have spent quite a fair bit as I don't borrow from the library. I hate having to restrict my reading to within a time fame. I like to take my time and read at my own pace, and I like to own the books, especially one with a really good story.

I love books, yes I do, and its one of my little obsessions with them. And yes, I love to read too. Very much indeed. I read almost anything and everything, from articles to medical journals, to encyclopedias, dictionaries, novels and even the bible.

You can say I'm obsessed with reading too. I finish a novel, and I feel empty. I seek another novel. I finish that too and I want more. More. More. More. Until some point in time, I stop, I slack and then I stop reading for awhile before the cycle repeats again.

Most of the people that I know hates reading, and to that extent where they simply cannot understand why I love it so much. Well, reading occupies my mind, takes it off alot of other issues. Reading recharges me (and sometimes depresses me too).

But, I enjoyed every single bit of it.

Fucking HUGE digression here. Anyways.

I was saying, I just started reading, and was reading this particular book entitled: A million little pieces by James Frey.

It isn't exactly a novel, its actually a memoir, of the author's life, his fight with addiction to drugs, alcohol, hatred, anger, self-pity, self-loathe, and many other bad stuff.

Now, what exactly is addiction?

From what I have learnt in textbooks or from the media, addiction is supposedly a disease, one that can literally control and consumes the whole of you.

James Fey talked about addiction as a decision, a decision to do the thing that you know its wrong and that its bad and it would hurt not only you, but many others you ever loved and cared about. But still you chose it. That, is addiction. Or at least, that's how the author sees it.

The author also believed that everything in life is an addiction, everything starts unfamiliar, and then we get used to it, and then we can't live without it (= addiction), and then it finally becomes so frequent that its a habit, a way of life.

That notion got me thinking. Loads.

Much of life is a fucking addiction, hell, even life itself is an addiction. Explains why people are afraid/don't want/can't bear to die. Kicking a habit/addiction (or CHANGE as most call it) is scary, because we are so accustomed to certain behaviors and it brings uncertainty, loads of it.

What we don't know scares us.

Of course there will be some good addictions (like my reading habits =)) that are harmless, and really bad ones that could kill and destroy lives.

I suppose we are all too familiar with the bad ones like substance abuse and all that shit and its potency. There is actually another kind of addiction that is just as bad (or maybe even worse), and I term it as the silent killer.

Ever heard of addiction to pain? Pain in any form, all forms, physically and emotionally. I always felt that people are addicted to pain. I am one hell of a fucking good example. Sometimes I feel more at ease being in pain (emotionally) than being happy. I wonder if there are people who agree with me.

It ain't entirely sick or anything, just that life is seldom fair and more than half the time, it isn't always happy. We actually spend more time being sad than being truly and really happy. You know the kind of joy that comes straight from the heart? Yes, that.

And so, (believe it or not) we spend more time in grieve than in joy, with things that don't go smoothly than things that went our way so much such that sadness and hiccups in life becomes all too familiar that when something good comes our way, we feel that something is not right, and that there will be a trade off for it and what, we don't know, and hence the mixed feelings.

Addicted to pain. Familiar?

Of course, addiction to pain can stretch to include compulsive behaviors such as loving, or rather, addicted/too used to something or someone where loving, or staying/sticking with it hurts so fucking bad and we have an option, a cure, but we are too weak to even decide to try.

Let's not get into that, past statistics tell me it ain't going to be a pretty sight. Anyways.

Addiction?? It's all in the mind.

Fucking mind games we play with others and ourselves.